على اعتاب ازمة منتصف العمر

  ضاع قلمي .. و اندرثت مذكراتي تحت ركام احلامي و ذكرياتي .. لم يبقى لي سوى ندبات و خطوط تجاعيد انظر اليها كأني اعرف الالم ولا اتذكر كيف ظهر ..

لا اتذكر كيف تغير شكلي و اصبحت في منتصف العمر ... على اعتاب الازمة المعروفة .. لم يضيع عمري من اجل احد .. لم اختر اختيار بدون ان ادفع ثمنه .. و استمتع بمميزاته .. و اتذوق و اعيش مرارة عيوبه

افتقد احساس ان اهيم وسط مشاعري و اكتب و اكتب .. و انا اتخيل و اتشوق لايام اعيشها الان .. و ربما افضل مما توقعت .. لم اجد ما يشبع عواطفي .. و حاولت ان اتخلص من شخصتي الحالمة .. و ادفنها بعيدا .. قتلتها عدة مرات .. لكنها كانت تعود للحياة مرة اخرى.. تدافع عن قلبي .. و افكاري .. و كل ما اكون .. لكنه عالم قاس .. على الحالمين .. مازلت اتأمل .. الواقع .. و احاول ان اجد قلمي .. و اسمع صوتي .. بين اصوات الزحام 

من المؤلم .. ان تضع قلبك بين يدي شخص واحد .. يتلذذ في ان يعتصره .. ثم يلقيه بعيدا .. حتى يتعافى و ينبض من جديد .. ليعتصره مجددا .. 

لا اعرف معنى السعادة .. لاني في كل مرة احاول فيها ترتيب افكاري و اولوياتي و احدد بوصلة حياتي لاتوجه اليها ..  تتغيير المعايير و تتحول الطرق في منتصف الطريق.. و اجد نفسي في غابة موحشة .. و بوصلتي تدور في جميع الاتجاهات .. 

 قد يقسم البعض انهم رأوني هناك .. اضحك و احتفل .. و اوزع الحب و العطاء .. لكني .. دائما اجد نفسي امام سهم بوصلتي المكسوراتجمد من وحشة الوحدة .. و اقاوم الانهيار التام .. 

 ربما هو انعكاس لشخصيتي في كون مواز .. و قد اكون فقدت التمييز بين الحلم و الواقع .. و كنت اعيش واقعا ما .. و اختلط علي الامر .. و سجلته كحلم .. و ربما شخصيتي الحالمة قتلتني انا .. و عاشت هي في سعادة و هناء . . و بقيت انا هنا .. في هذا الفراغ ..لا اتذكر من انا .. ولا متى جئت هنا.   

Bile of emotions

Alot of things happened this last year .. And the years before .. But specifically after that major step back I had there was this huge part of me that pushed me to survive .. Made me look at the good things that is happening .. And just ignoring anything bad .. The thing is .. It does not get ignored .. My brain just put it a side in an empty dror .. Just one by one  its now becoming this huge bile of shitty emotions that I don't even know what it's about .. And it is becoming really heavy and now its actually dragging me down .. I see my life and the color of everything is just Grey .. There is no color or taste .. There is no special smell to anything .. Everything just smells the same and tastes the same .. Life has been kind to me lately it made me feel that it doesn't have to be this hard all the time .. Sometimes it gets easy .. Just alittle bit .. I forgot how to cry .. I was so strong and fought for a very long time with way beyond my maximum potential to survive .. And. I finally made it to a good point .. An actual progress.. Still struggling .. In many other aspects ..

Fear of death

Fear death.. While death stands over watching me.. Laughing as usual... This time at me.. Looking at me when I'm struggling to decide whether to die or not die.. Let go and leave this world or stay and fight my every day battle.. Im scared.. Of both ends.. I may end up in a grave with my life over and just waiting for my after life.. With all the bad things I did... And all the good I didn't do.. My heart is just bounding I'm terrified... I'm scared of dying and I'm scared of living.. I feel fear again.. Eating my heart and mind.. Hiding my soul away.. I need not fear and have courage to face my distany no matter what.. I'm really really scared.. Life is getting harder everyday.. And I can't be this vulnerable now specially now.. So many fights and battles.. I need to stay strong.. I can do this I know I can.. I need to breath.. Believe in God's well.. Because I don't get to decide.. When my time comes.. It will just happen.. Untill then I need to stay strong.. Do more good than bad.. Be less afraid.. Doing good involves fighting many battles.. So.. Just keep going and do your best.. Untill your time comes..

Lost my peace again somewhere

انا الحاضنة

لا اعرف من اين ابدأ .. اشعر بضيق مستمر .. لا اعرف سببه حتى الان .. لماذا انا هنا .. لا افهم و مازلت لم اترك ثقتي الكاملة به .. لازالت تطاردني كوابيس بخاطفي حلمي مني .. من متدخلين في حياتنا بشكل او بآخر .. من يدخل ليهدم بيتي و مملكتي هو شخص بلا وجه .. بلا وجود .. هو فقط مجرد شبح يطاردني في احلامي .. اعلم انك اذا سمحت لمخاوفك ان تسيطر على تفكيرك ففي يوم من الايام خيالك سيجسدها امامك .. حتى تجد نفسك تواجه اسوأ مخاوفك .. و تعيش في اسود كوابيسك .. و لكن كل هذا يحدث دون تحكم مباشر من عقلي .. انها مشاعري الطفولية البريئة التي تجد من الصعوبة ان تصدق ان يتحقق ما حلمت به دون مشاكل .. كانت هنالك عقبات لكن بمجرد ان وصلت لخط النهاية غلقت كل الصفحات القديمة و ها أنا ذا اكتب تاريخا جديدا من بداية التكوين .. و اكون مخاوف جديدة و اتخيل عقبات جديدة .. بالرغم من اني لا اريد ان اعافر او اتعب من جديد .. قاومت الحلم مرة اخرى لكني لا استطيع ان اعيش لليوم دون النظر للغد بأمل و حلم .. وعدني ربي بإبن جاءني ليذكرني ان الاحلام تتحقق .. و ان الخير موجود .. و ان الحب موجود .. و ان عقلي موجود و وجودي يحتم وجود هذا الطفل .. لا استطيع ان اتخيل مدى حبي لهذا الكائن في اعماقي .. و مدى سعادتي بنبضات قلبه الصغيرة المتسارعة المتحمسة للتكوين و للوجود .. انا شجرة مزهرة و مثمرة .. انا استمرار للحب .. و الاحلام .. انا عبد لرب هذا الكون .. و احتضن هذا البيت بكل الحب و التقدير .. و احتضن هذه الروح .. بإذن ربي ..

Giving thanx..

     Really tired feeling heavy can barely walk .. excited about the next phase in my life .. where i'm going to be a mother and a wife .. I've survived my first year of marriage without any collateral damage :) which makes me proud of us really .. i love him and i'm trying my best and so is he .. we have been preparing ourselves for these days and this phase of being married to someone we love ever since we started dreaming about each other .. and it took alot .. it wasn't all butterflies and flowers and kisses and hugs .. there were a few bad days and big fights .. mostly i want to be happy and peaceful .. and that's his goal too .. i just have a few trust issues that i'm still working on .. mostly inherited issues from what i saw from marriages i lived around .. right now all i see is a good guy and a good family that has taken me with love .. deep down at some moments i see it clear in his eyes that he really adores me .. and loves everything i do and how i think and act .. and has taken me as a part of his heart and soul truly .. I'm really happy about being here .. i really wish we will be the best parents our baby could have .. i hope we love her all the love she needs and more .. i hope she feels loved .. and be content .. about her life and her parents .. i hope life gives her all the help she can get .. i hope i don't over protect her from actually living .. but still its the hardest thing in the world to know the shit she will go through and leave her face it .. but its the right thing to do most of the time .. please God .. protect her .. inside me .. and outside me .. she is the daughter of love of two soul mates .. she is practically an angel really ..  she has a part of him and a part of me .. a son of love and a daughter of love .. of four great grandparents .. i'm greatful for this spiritual place i'm at and this content and fulfillment i'm feeling .. Thank you God for giving me a loving husband .. and a promise of an amazing daughter .. can't wait to meet her .. 

My comfort zone

so i got married like a month ago .. and i went to my mother's house .. its so weird to call it that because my house or my home now refer to a different address .. a different home .. and a series of weirdness never ends from now on .. like going to my old room and finding it so clean .. the room i lived in for the past 15 years .. where i had my marked pillow with my initial "k" so my sisters would stop using it .. and the broken mirror by my nephew .. the walls which were pink and violet .. the pink was me and the violet was my sister who was practically my soul mate until she also changed address .. or got married .. it was really hard for me to leave my comfort zone .. I mean my home .. I mean my mother's home .. so i made the task of leaving really impossible .. so i aimed for the impossible .. the one who will make me leave has to be extremely hard to find .. my true soul mate .. the one who completes me .. and make my dreams come true .. someone who would support my success not try to ruin it .. someone who respects me and knows my strength but still can understand that i'm not a boy no matter how strong i may appear .. it was the most impossible goal .. but i made it happen .. because i found him .. and i knew that this is the one who will rescue me .. he did rescue me .. emotionally .. mentally .. physically .. because we found each other we found love .. and it opened our hearts to the light of God ..  but i can't be in my comfort zone and start a family with him .. i had to leave .. i hate change and everything related to change .. major decisions that changes the course of many lives .. i have so many guards .. so many shields .. and when i lay one of them down it comes back to haunt me .. what's after this dream .. what comes after you made the finish line .. you start another race .. i don't want another race .. i just want to live in peace .. i'm tired of running after my dreams .. and i miss my comfort zone ..