So close to a radical life changing event.. I just can't breath.. I'm extremely terrified.. Preparing myself for the worst.. I can't talk to anyone bzc simply I've elienated everyone I love by being so busy these last few weeks.. I have no one at this moment.. I'm certainly aware of the fact that I just should fall asleep and it will be better tomorrow.. I'm aware that at this point I should be scared Bcz if I wasn't scared I'd be illusional or too blinded by the dream state.. Still there is a certain level of loneliness that is a bit over rated.. And i just have to speak but I can't seem to find the right moment to spill it out.. Talking is also over rated.. What if I changed.. What if you changed.. What if you realize that you don't love me and just trying to keep your promise.. What if we can't talk without fighting.. What if we avoided serious conversations like we do now and ends up being two strangers living together.. At this point I just need to be heard so bad.. I just wana die in peace.. Or at least sleep at night without this ache in my heart.. When u are ready to listen i can't talk and when I need to talk I can't find you.. This is a whole new level of love.. To give love you must have love.. I can give my heart away.. I can give my time away.. But put my life and destiny in someone else's hands.. Even if i love dearly.. Is really scary.. What if you look at it from a different view.. You also have the other person's life and destiny.. And it's not yours nor his.. It's a whole new story and u just share it one life of two.. And one destiny of two.. He will be a part of ur life.. That part could be big.. Or small.. So will you be.. Try to make it a big part of his.. "thinking with an old wise lady" i hope I find my peace in the end.. I hope i don't come out of it hurting.. Or getting hurt.. I hope i do change.. And can still hear my own voice.. God has blessed me with love.. And a lover exactly how I dreamed he would be.. And i couldn't ask for a better gift..
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