A million kiss

i want to give you 10 million kiss..

a kiss for each time i misunderstood you ..

a kiss for every tear ever fell from your eyes caused by me ..

a kiss for every second you ever spent living in one of our memories ..

a kiss for each time you smiled at me ,,

a kiss for everytime you wanted to tell me something but couldn't..

a kiss for each night you couldn't sleep..

a kiss for every inch that separates us right now ..

a kiss for each day we are not together ..

a kiss for days and nights yet to come till our time ring the bells ..

a kiss for every heart beat that says my name ..

a kiss for everytime you get this feeling that you are falling when you are just standing still

a kiss for every bad day we ever had .. a million kiss for every laugh ..

and last but not least .. i want to kiss you the very 1st kiss .. 

if only i could ever kiss you .... 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4a9O_jm8YA4

Serendipity

serendipity .. is my word.. the one word i choose from all the words .
  the word was invented by an english author named "Horace Walpore" it came from a story named "the three princes of serendip" in the story the princes kept discovering things that they were not in quest of . 

It's like things that fall into your path of living by the hands of God alone , like a good coincidence, but when this universe is made and controlled by only one God , there is no such thing is coincidence , i would like to believe that we all have things we always wished for , or things that we need when we are not aware of how important it is for us , well serendipity is when you find these things .. presented to you on a silver plate , saying i'm yours take me ...


of course , the movie "serendipity" starring John q.Zack whom is a journalist.
he "by coincidence" meets this amazing girl and they have an amazing day together .. but she is involved with someone else , the timing is bad for him too because he is also involved, so they start to play this game with their destiny , if they were meant to be together then they will both meet at the same hotel floor , but actually they don't meet . two years later each one is engaged to be married to other people , they are supposed to be happy but they are not, they wanted to find each other back , through the same game following the signs , which will lead them to the road they both wanted .


actually I'm too serendipitous sometimes , when i'm scared i leave it to chance and destiny ,what is meant to be , it toke me a while to actually discover that we make our own decisions and destiny actually depends on what we want and what we choose to do in life .. we are "meant" to have or do everything we are capable of , if we don't choose then what's the point from this life ?? 

I still have this deep believe inside my heart into good chance , good luck and bad luck , God has blessed me with the knowledge of his light , and from what i learned as any wise man would say.. you make your own luck . i believe in signs so much , and karma .. the ultimate karma is to do good thing and wait for the impact of it in the after life .

sometimes you get what you want just as a gift from God .. without any effort , but not everything is that easy .. i think i'm too lazy and a little addicted to this easy presenting thing .. what's the point of having free well if we won't act on getting what we want . 
I've been living this word day by day , just setting in my room dreaming about what i want , praying to God that it will come to me , and the funny thing is , when i actually do something toward it , my mind translates the feelings of fear of loosing or failing at getting what i want into feelings of guilt because i  interrupted the course of nature ... the series of serendipitous events that will lead me to what i want , what my mind wants is for me to do absolutely nothing about my needs and wants , just go with the flow .. and what you want will come along .. so if it came to you .. you win .. if not .. then you didn't lose anything .. you didn't waste any effort or time on TRYING ... actually this is the most stupid thing i have ever heard .. everybody knows that we should work and study to be a good person .. when it comes to love .. no one tells you to do anything .. everybody thinks or believes that it should be left to destiny .. when you study you will succeed .. if you work hard you will get money .. but if you try to love you will get your heart broken .. but now we live in a time when you study hard but fail .. and work day and night .. and don't get enough money equal to the effort made.. because we don't believe in ourselves anymore .. we became too lazy to even ask for our rights .. and i believe that all this because we are too lazy to love .. too lazy to ask .. why not !! i feel sorry for people who left their entire life decisions to .. serendipity .... never got to choose one thing and live to get it .. to be happy with yourself and what you have is one thing ... but leaving all choices to ... chance !!  when there is no such thing ... i wish i could understand how our parents think .. why is their believes are so messed up ... or am i the one who's wrong ?? maybe it was a self protection methods .. we are scared from our own feelings .. what if i fail ? what if i get my heart broken ?? how about .. what if i actually lived ???

A mess of thoughts

... still..watching the sunshine from the wrong side everyday..
again extremely sad.. or maybe hell mad..
alot has not yet happened ..
days are slacken ..
resentment is backing inside my heart..
bitterness is tearing my world apart..
i refuse any help .. i refuse to look beyond this wall..
every now and then .. someone opens the light ..
and i know .. the reason ..
but now .. i'm all left out .. in the darkness ..
in the shadows of my life ..
waiting for my day to come..
when everyday of my life is my day..
but still.. feels like i'm living someone else's life..
someone sad .. alone.. someone who lives in despair ..

i'm trying to save us another sad poem .. another depressive status ...
another song about how we are not together ...
but i just can't ... i keep getting back to the same spot i'm mad at you for being in ...
feeling like the end .. and blaming yourself ... or myself ...
when the truth is I miss you even when claim you don't ...
when you keep saying i'm gone or when you make me feel that you are left out .. it breaks my heart .. even the dream state that is the only thing that is left from all what we had ... just .. gets a reality check.. i can't ask you to be okie and happy .. and even in the same dreamy state as i am .. when we are worlds apart.. my world of dreams is the only place i'm safe in .. from this life .. even from myself.. i'm sad i'm crying the house is full of strangers who claims to be family.. everything is a mess .. everything is so loud .. just tired from all this .. i'm addicted to your light .. i'm in this phase when i really hate my eyes .. i can't open the gait to my tears it leads me to dark places i promised myself i won't step a foot in it ever again ,, the only help i want is yours and i can't just ask you for it .. i'm like the addict who is trying to resist the need to the last hidden stash .. saving it for a rainy day ... but right now .. it's flooding ...i don't wanna be alone right now .. please just kill me right now so i won't wake up to another day ... nothing lasts.. even sadness ..

مين عارف يا حبيبي بكرة هنكون فين ...

مين عارف يا حبيبي بكرة مخبيلنا ايه...

حياتي ايه و حياتك ايه ...

هي لحظة بتختار فيها الطريق...

ليه يا حبيبي انت هناك بعيد كدة
وانا لوحدي هنا
.. ليه شايفاك بروحك جوا قلبي .. بس كل حاجة تانيه فيك بعيد.
ليه يا انت .. ليه يا انا
ليه عملنا فروحنا كدة...

ليه بقينا قلبين و روحين في طريق واحد

بس بينا الف سد واجد..

و كل واحد فينا في ناحيته ينوح 

على كل يوم قابل التاني و مقدرش يبوح

حتى احلى لحظه كانت في وقت اللقى

ساعة الفراق بتكون سكاكين و غارسه 

دموع و نازله 

دموع كتير من عيون شافت حبيبها 

دموع و نازله من خنقة كلام على طرف اللسان 

اللي اتقال باعلى صوت كان بس كلام بيجرح

و اللي يطيب كلام لا عمره انقال ولا بيسمح 

لعيونه حتى تكلم دموعي 

تكلم ضلوعي 

تقولي وحشتيني تقولي بحبك تقوللي ماتزعليش... 

حتى دى مانولهاليش...

يا خوفي لايرتاح حبيبي ورا السد 

 ..و مايجينيش

ليه يا حلم معرفتش تخبي و قلت هو ده اللي شوفته من قبل ما اعرفه

معلش .. انا عارفاك يا حلم بتعشقه 

في غز الهم و الزعل تجيبه تكلمه
و تخليه ينسيني انا ليه مش بكلِمه

و مش مهم انا .. و غصب عني من كتر همي

اسيب الدنيا و اهرب .. و انام 

عشان عارفه انه ساكن في حلمي ..

و انه البطل .. اللي دايما يشيلني ..

من وسط الف هم و هم ..

و ياخدني على سابع سما ..

بس مش عارفه ليه .. بصحى على الارض ..

حكايتنا اخر لخبطه .. اولها اخر و اخرها اول .

مفيش نجاح من غير تعب .. يقولك اللي فاهم ..

و ليه عشان نحب لازم نتوجع

   ..

.. ليه في دنيتي اقابله في طريق...

و ما اشوفش غيره طريق ...

لدرجه اني بتعمي ...

و امشي و حياتي ضلمه .. بختفي

تايهه في وسط دنيا ..

لا ليها معنى و لا  حتى اي لازمه ..

بس عايشه .. 

يمكن في يوم يكون السد له اخر.. يمكن يتمد 

يمكن السد له باب مش هايظهر غير في اوان 

يمكن قدام عنينا الحل ..

يمكن و يمكن و ميت الف يمكن ..

اللي اعرفه ان الحدوته دي لسه ماخلستش ...

قلبين و روحين في طريق واحد .... و الف سد 

Conflicted

extremely conflicted ... by everything that i knew today .. and i knew alot of things that will determine the next phase of my life ..

i got this opportunity of a job somewhere far away from home . at this point of my life after i finished collage the only thing i'm expected to do is to be married with a kid or two one my arm and the other holding my hand , so when i apply for a job it will be near my home , but now that i'm without a husband i get to go away , the conflict here is .. it was a little farther than i expected , but its cool by me .. not cool with my parents , and they feel like they've done something wrong , what should they do , it's like they raised you in a cage and waiting for the next cage to lock you in , so you will be safe from any ... LIVING ..... i want to go there , and just have this new experience, live on my own for a while, even for a couple of months , to have these days for myself , so what !!

then ... of course , someone wants to marry me , and THEY want me to meet him , i felt so upset and so stressed by the whole thing , the fact that i hate being presented on a way like a main dish or a dress in a shop or something , i just wanted to finish this phase but they keep feeling that this is the answer, when its not my answer , maybe it worked out for alot of people , but not me , i have no interest in spending my life with someone i met like this , i don't want to just get married , i want to marry my soul mate whom i already found , and i still want this , it's not fair for anyone i meet because my heart is taken , i was thinking that i'm wasting my own life trying to chase a dream , that could be a phantom or could be the youth fountain , i want to fulfill my destiny , to seek all my true callings , to find greatness in everything i ever dreamed about , or even watch my children do it , with him , when i start to expand all my horizons and just let go of all boundaries , and actually see where i want to be , i see myself in a talk show discussing my new amazing book about my thoughts and believes .... while he is holding my hand just supporting every step i make , or giving a seminar on positive thinking and believing in the dreams and the power of light , and how light is God . and how god's well is infinite , and how my soul mate gave me that light , with him by my side , this is the one i want to complete my journey .. and i just choose what i want to do , and what road i will go in , and they don't and won't understand , so i'll just leave this all to God to help me reach what i choose to do in my life , after knowing that is is good for me and good for us , after all the signs after all the talks , i have with God , that God wants me to believe in myself , through my believe in him , when i do that i will know exactly what to do , i'll know what to choose , people live their entire life... feeling unworthy of their own dream .... i thank you God everyday for giving me the light to see that i get to choose what to dream and with your blessing i get to have it , it may not be easy , but the harder it is to reach the more sweet it will be when i get it . we choose to do good , we own the whole world in our hands .

figuring out stuff...

can't sleep ... specially in days when i need to wake up early .. and tomorrow is going to be a very long day .. and i need my sleep ... my heart and mind are so occupied ... i have this bad feeling in my heart .. i feel so nervous all the time .. i broke a long period of being calm and quite about almost every thing that is going on in my life .. and just got mad at the world ... i got mad at this little kid that was torturing me to just keep his mouth open to finish my job. .. as i'm a dentist .. i just yelled in a tone of voice i rarely ever hear myself use .. even when i yelled he didn't stop wining ... the day was actually too much for me to handle .. i'm trying to forgive myself for that day .. since that day i get really angry at everything ... like testing a new level of power .. but i hate it .. power is not my thing .. nor yelling .. i'm unfocused unbalanced .. just confused .. scared.. it's feeling you again .. it's giving me this new level of awareness ..

am I jealous now ?? or do i feel threatened by her? i'm still scared to fully trust you .. my old insecurities is getting me again .. i'm scared i might loose you .. to her .. because you like her .. but you came to me .. i'm terrified right now .. what if she got you ... OMG more hurt.. more pain .. alot of girls hover around you .. trying to hunt you down ... this time i got to see it with my own eyes ... so what !! guys hover around me too.. and i know what i want and i just push them away .. right now it's not really me i think that i will be got my some guy .. it's him this time .. it bothers me that he thinks she is great when she is not even a good friend .. which has given me alot of reasons to hate myself ... but i forgave here because i'm just better than all this .. i didn't let her in my life deep enough thank God .. because i always open up fast to people and end up getting hurt .. all this past year i'm being carefull .. i watch the signs carefully in everything ... i would rather be with the right love and a good friend than being with any love and any friend .. appearance and being in the popular group .. been there .. with all it's pressure .. survived that thanks god .. don't want it ever again .. a close group of good friends.. is better than a punch of bad ones..

right now at this very moment ... i miss you .. i miss calling you in days like this and just make you go crazy trying to figure out my thoughts ... i'm threatened by her still.. you are so close to me ..no matter how far ... i lost the trust i had in you today ... i wish i could bring it back ... i'm trying so hard to do it ... so after i just keep talking about anything and everything that may or may not cross my mind ... "miss you like hell" i will try to put my feelings in one line .. which is... i'm jealous because you gave her some attention that was noticeable .. and i feel threatened by her because she is not easy and she is trying to get you and will keep trying ... and i'm scared she succeed in what i failed to do .. which is to make you her own ... its a shame really when you are my soul mate .. and i have a love for you that could cure an entire human race of broken hearts ... and i still can't call you mine ... and yes .. i blame you for it ,,, and yes i'm mad at you ... ever since i yelled at that kid i wanted to yell at you too .... just yell ... or maybe just cry in your arms ... these days are just so hard ... i'll get by ... it's fine ...

my mom said this amazing thing that will help me get some sleep now is ... when you love some one ... you just love them because you love them ... and everything else comes after that ... so even if any other girl has strong qualities , it doesn't matter ... because he doesn't love her ... i suppose after a very long year that you should start to believe that he loves you stupid ... so it doesn't matter what she does ....   go to sleep... nighty baby ....

The green eyed monster

Jealousy .. the green eyed monster, is an emotion and typically refers to the negative thoughts and feelings of insecurity, fear, and anxiety over an anticipated loss of something that the person values, such as a relationship, friendship, or love. Jealousy often consists of a combination of emotions such as anger, sadness, and disgust.

its just illusions that we put in our minds , like this relationship is compromised by that person's presence , it's so related to insecurities we all have , being left once for someone else, or seeing someone we love get dumped for someone better, so planted the thought that 1st you are not good enough , second your partner is looking for someone else, and that jealousy object is it , and everything will just fall apart because of it .

the thing is , the feelings we think our partner feels toward us , are the feelings we feel toward ourselves , like if you think your partner think you are not good enough , it's because you think so of yourself , if you think that he is looking for someone else , it's because you think he deserves better, but still mad at him , for leaving you , and all these thoughts are inside your head , triggered by seeing him with someone else , maybe smiling in a way you don't see as much as you used to .

here you should start thinking . why am i not good enough ? why do i put myself in a situation that i will be dumped sooner or later ? am i ugly ? am i stupid? am i boring? it's not trusting someone else with your heart is the issue here , it's trusting the destiny again , that it won't fail you this time too, trusting that you are good enough , because your partner choose you and still with you , and leaving someone is not that easy as it may seem at times, and if you can't open up to him about all this , then you need to start opening up, or other wise you should find someone whom you can confined your deep wounds with  , because a relationship is about fixing each other , and if you were left out once or more , he should know about it , because it's going to affect your relationship, he should hold on to you long enough to know that you are not a bad person to live with , and even if it don't work out sometimes , it's not your fault .

i say we stop blaming ourselves for everything that we wanted that didn't go our way, forgiveness, is the cure for the insecurities , and when we start to embrace our inner self , with it's good and bad , this will put an end for all the lack of self confidence that we all have these days , it will make our hearts shine , and our souls will blossom ... and it's going to be impossible for anyone to leave us .... no matter how hard the try ...

I breath you ..

Breathing you all day since yesterday..
your soul feels so close to mine..
hold me in the coldest night .. keep me worm..
I close my eyes and let go .. into the wind ..
i fly to you ..
the hell with everything ... i give into you ..
the hell with reason.. i love you ..
the love in my heart is so alive it's given me wings i swear i could fly to you ...
you are my melody ... my remedy..
my light deep within ... my gate to greatness..
the waiting is hard but i'm trying ...
i have faith in you .. i believe in you .. i believe in us ...
i missed your voice .. your eyes .. i missed your jokes .. your smile ..hold me close to your heart ..
let me hear those heart  beats ,, are they like mine?
did God created you just for me ..
am i a lost part of you as you are to me ..
your soul revolves around me .. or maybe i revolve around yours .. i'm your moon ...
and you are my sun ....
make this distance undone.. to your arms i will always run...
no matter how mad i am .. or how long it will be ..
for you to come home to me ..
.i breath you day and night ... till the day i die ...
please don't keep waiting ..
this is the hardest part of it i know ..
this is were our love grow ..
till the day comes ... and the two of us become one ..

The jaws of loneliness

I'm just ... mad at the world , yesterday i found my peace but somehow i lost it today , I'm now my own worst enemy , every idea in my mind is wrong , i don't know if it's me I'm mad at or the "world" actually , i think probably its me .. same old compulsive me , extremely irrational sometimes , can't help it, i hate it when I'm trying to do something nice and turn out to be a stupid needy pushy thing , it's also hard to stay still and do absolutely nothing , i need my life to get better . i don't want to be alone anymore, but it seems like i'm going to be even more alone , as time pass, i'll try to do something useful with my time, but still , being all alone just sucks , and it's valentine's day tomorrow, it's fine actually i didn't notice, i'm always alone in valentine , i had a boyfriend one time only, and i got him a fish tank with two small fishes , they were so cute, then i had it rapped in a paper bag, then of course the paper bag just broke and the tank fill apart , with water all over the place with the fishes laying there , we rescued them anyway, then they died a couple of weeks later, which a couple of years later so did the relationship, other than that , birthdays , valentines , all alone facing them , sometimes I'm strong enough to go out with some friends , other days i stay home just lay on the couch hold my pillow and watch romantic movies with tissue beside me and some chocolate  maybe involved , last valentine i actually went out , but also alone in my car listening to romantic songs crying my heart out , and just were going around in circles all over the city, get myself some flowers , for the untrained eye some people may think "oh this girl is so okie with being alone" actually it's so depressing .. getting yourself flowers , it's so heart breaking ,

there is two upsides of being alone , which are 1st you can go where ever you want to go with anyone you like without the explanation and justification of why and when and how, which not a bad thing actually sometimes you miss it , feeling like you matter , maybe feeling the other one jealous or something , 2nd is sleeping , no fights , no long after midnight calls , except fot the days you actually miss someone and wish you can hear their voice even if for a second , or the nights you are thinking of how to get back to someone ,,, i think it's when you get tired of all the sleeping ,  sometimes i just want to say stuff and discuss issues ... or even have a fight , anything will better than the jaws of loneliness .... it just surround you .. takes all of your air , leaves you all blue , inside out .

sometimes when i have someone i miss being this clear with my thoughts , so in touch with the universe, being truly on love could give me that too, i've been too alone that's how i feel, i had this best friend who were like a shadow to me , but we don't talk much now , not at all actually , she was one of the people whom alot of could kill you, have had a glimpse of how my life will be , with "him" but it comes and goes .. just glimpses , had a punch of friends but that was so long ago , no so good friends i may add , i know that down my path i had to be alone to fix things , but it's been a while now , and I've fixed almost everything , how long will it take for me to feel not alone anymore , and here we go , the tears i've been holding on since i woke up.... .... i want my life to be better , just missing "him"

A slice of the truth...

Usually when anyone has a problem or an issue that is making him just awake day and night thinking about a way out or an ending or anything to do that will help this obsession to stop , we will eventually seek help , if not a help then just some place where you can just put the whole thing in front of you to think about from a different prospective, or just get an out let to your frustration over the failure to accept the current situation the way it is , just seeking change , it's actually a good thing to do , like a way of adjusting to the life , and how everything is revolving and devoloping so fast , this dilemma happens alot to each and everyone of us.

in your path to seek change , as you search for the out let , it's almost impossible to deliver any story as it happened from day one till the day you lived to tell it , your share of this , is your share alone , with it's good and bad parts , with it's laughable parts , and the tear full ones, yours only , no matter how much you are trying to share , it will be only a slice from the whole thing , but when you seek a certain someone , that person has an energy to hear what you have to say about it , and that person is there , all the time , and he is meant to fall right in your path to help you through this rough patch, you choose to go there , the capacity of human being , not a wise man like many writers would say , although i believe that every person has his own share of wisdom , but there are those who choose to use it , and some others never see it , that friend you seek will take what he is meant to take from this , to solve it , no matter how much you try to add to that slice you gave , it will enhance the picture but never add to it, it's the perfect amount of truth that is needed , that's why it's important to be 100% honest when you are opening to that person, that small slice of the truth will be like fixing a small part of the machine that maybe the key to it , or maybe it's just the missing brick of the whole issue to be finally solved, maybe there is more than one brick missing , it get solved one brick at a given time. the truth here is God, truth will guide you to the light , which is also God.

the truth is only a help , the light is the ultimate result to everything , i think it's like and infinite relationship , the truth will always lead to light and light will always lead to truth .

sometimes i think that God is a mathematician, everything is so perfectly measured , the whole science of numbers is a divine creation , like everything else ever made here , and of course God is a poet , the whole art of written description of the world, God is an artist , just take a look at the sky at any given day and you'll know what i mean , i love it when God brags about the skies that are built without any ladders or any sort of vertical support ,  like a human could look at it as building roofs of houses and buildings , i feel sorry sometimes for people who thought that the earth were flat , they must have been tormented with the idea of the sky falling , the thought of the infinite world is such a relief , feeling part of something much bigger than you could possibly imagine  , that us , our lives our issue concerns ideas believes ,,,, are just ,, a slice of the truth.

Back to the edge

Today i decided i won't be on the edge anymore , I'll go deep into my feelings , my problems .. basically.. EVERYTHING, involving my life of course, so i just get dressed , and i go out to have my daily tea time in the library,  then i drive there, on my way, i find myself going to his street, just drive around, of course i don't see him , i never do, i just do it to get some peace and serenity , but it gives me the exact opposite , i start crying , i remember that he never answered my last heart breaking , falling apart , extremly well written text , discribing how much i need him and still hope for his return to me.

Him .. is someone i met three or four years ago , just as a friend , i was involved with someone else , but we got to know each other though , then my past relationship didn't work out , it ended dramatically, then the "he" was there, i found it more okie to talk longer to him and open up more after i became single ,  so did he , then i fell for him , kept asking him if he feels the same , he kept denying , but didn't want to end the friendship , so did i , his actions , his eyes , his words , everything said that he loved me more than i could ever imagin , but he kept denying , till i've had it with all the Contradiction  , then he told me finally that he loved all along but ...... he is not ready for commitment , so we just ended things, stopped talking , of course i got heart broken , so did he , we both were depressed for weeks , then he just showed up again , tried talking like nothing happened , i didn't know what he was trying to do , right now , i couldn't keep my mouth shut and just slip in this again , i just said what was in my heart  for him , and didn't get any answer yet .

so .. when i decided to stop being on the edge stop protecting myself from my own feelings and issues and just dig deep into them , i just got there into the library then i opened the book i brought with me , with the huge pain inside my heart, i tried to write the reasons why i shouldn't text him right then and ask him where is my answer , was i too late , my reasons didn't convenes me , the worst one that he would say some horrible things to me , so what !! i didn't want to pressure him i didn't want to bother him. all these reasons were lame to me , then i just grabbed my phone and wrote the text and just sent it..... my heart dropped right then , then no answer still, as the hours went by the pain kept on growing , i just dropped a tear , then another one , then another one , then i found myself on the floor laying down crying my heart out , thinking of death, in different ways actually, i could strangle myself , or just slice my wrist or just through myself from the window , then i just thought , no the my demons won't get me this time , just kept asking God this one question , WHY ?? why alot of things actually . why is it a must to taste the pain to taste the joy , why do you have to be extremely tormented by almost everything in order to get your dreams come true ... why do i love him that much if he hurt me that bad .. why can't i just forget him and move on .. why do i want this because it hurted me so bad like that .. and the more not easy something is the more we want it . WHY GOD ?? just lay there with my head facing the Ceiling  .. looking to it and i just had this vesion of God having the laugh of his life .. at me.. because it will be amazing and i'm just being stupid and crying .. silly me ... then maybe God never laugh  .. just knows of course that it will get better..

my stop sign to crying is when my ears start to hurt .. and my nose just blocks all air , i just feel this is going no where , i hugged myself to stop crying , and i did , just said to myself .. no more .. tried listening to God this time , really listen , "be patient" , that's what God whispered to me then , i just .. came back here , on the edge , to see everything but never get involved in anything , never say how i truly feel , never open up, on the edge of life , witnessing everything .. accomplish nothing , maybe it will get better , maybe it will be different .. who knows ...