I'm just ... mad at the world , yesterday i found my peace but somehow i lost it today , I'm now my own worst enemy , every idea in my mind is wrong , i don't know if it's me I'm mad at or the "world" actually , i think probably its me .. same old compulsive me , extremely irrational sometimes , can't help it, i hate it when I'm trying to do something nice and turn out to be a stupid needy pushy thing , it's also hard to stay still and do absolutely nothing , i need my life to get better . i don't want to be alone anymore, but it seems like i'm going to be even more alone , as time pass, i'll try to do something useful with my time, but still , being all alone just sucks , and it's valentine's day tomorrow, it's fine actually i didn't notice, i'm always alone in valentine , i had a boyfriend one time only, and i got him a fish tank with two small fishes , they were so cute, then i had it rapped in a paper bag, then of course the paper bag just broke and the tank fill apart , with water all over the place with the fishes laying there , we rescued them anyway, then they died a couple of weeks later, which a couple of years later so did the relationship, other than that , birthdays , valentines , all alone facing them , sometimes I'm strong enough to go out with some friends , other days i stay home just lay on the couch hold my pillow and watch romantic movies with tissue beside me and some chocolate maybe involved , last valentine i actually went out , but also alone in my car listening to romantic songs crying my heart out , and just were going around in circles all over the city, get myself some flowers , for the untrained eye some people may think "oh this girl is so okie with being alone" actually it's so depressing .. getting yourself flowers , it's so heart breaking ,
there is two upsides of being alone , which are 1st you can go where ever you want to go with anyone you like without the explanation and justification of why and when and how, which not a bad thing actually sometimes you miss it , feeling like you matter , maybe feeling the other one jealous or something , 2nd is sleeping , no fights , no long after midnight calls , except fot the days you actually miss someone and wish you can hear their voice even if for a second , or the nights you are thinking of how to get back to someone ,,, i think it's when you get tired of all the sleeping , sometimes i just want to say stuff and discuss issues ... or even have a fight , anything will better than the jaws of loneliness .... it just surround you .. takes all of your air , leaves you all blue , inside out .
sometimes when i have someone i miss being this clear with my thoughts , so in touch with the universe, being truly on love could give me that too, i've been too alone that's how i feel, i had this best friend who were like a shadow to me , but we don't talk much now , not at all actually , she was one of the people whom alot of could kill you, have had a glimpse of how my life will be , with "him" but it comes and goes .. just glimpses , had a punch of friends but that was so long ago , no so good friends i may add , i know that down my path i had to be alone to fix things , but it's been a while now , and I've fixed almost everything , how long will it take for me to feel not alone anymore , and here we go , the tears i've been holding on since i woke up.... .... i want my life to be better , just missing "him"
there is two upsides of being alone , which are 1st you can go where ever you want to go with anyone you like without the explanation and justification of why and when and how, which not a bad thing actually sometimes you miss it , feeling like you matter , maybe feeling the other one jealous or something , 2nd is sleeping , no fights , no long after midnight calls , except fot the days you actually miss someone and wish you can hear their voice even if for a second , or the nights you are thinking of how to get back to someone ,,, i think it's when you get tired of all the sleeping , sometimes i just want to say stuff and discuss issues ... or even have a fight , anything will better than the jaws of loneliness .... it just surround you .. takes all of your air , leaves you all blue , inside out .
sometimes when i have someone i miss being this clear with my thoughts , so in touch with the universe, being truly on love could give me that too, i've been too alone that's how i feel, i had this best friend who were like a shadow to me , but we don't talk much now , not at all actually , she was one of the people whom alot of could kill you, have had a glimpse of how my life will be , with "him" but it comes and goes .. just glimpses , had a punch of friends but that was so long ago , no so good friends i may add , i know that down my path i had to be alone to fix things , but it's been a while now , and I've fixed almost everything , how long will it take for me to feel not alone anymore , and here we go , the tears i've been holding on since i woke up.... .... i want my life to be better , just missing "him"
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