Today i decided i won't be on the edge anymore , I'll go deep into my feelings , my problems .. basically.. EVERYTHING, involving my life of course, so i just get dressed , and i go out to have my daily tea time in the library, then i drive there, on my way, i find myself going to his street, just drive around, of course i don't see him , i never do, i just do it to get some peace and serenity , but it gives me the exact opposite , i start crying , i remember that he never answered my last heart breaking , falling apart , extremly well written text , discribing how much i need him and still hope for his return to me.
Him .. is someone i met three or four years ago , just as a friend , i was involved with someone else , but we got to know each other though , then my past relationship didn't work out , it ended dramatically, then the "he" was there, i found it more okie to talk longer to him and open up more after i became single , so did he , then i fell for him , kept asking him if he feels the same , he kept denying , but didn't want to end the friendship , so did i , his actions , his eyes , his words , everything said that he loved me more than i could ever imagin , but he kept denying , till i've had it with all the Contradiction , then he told me finally that he loved all along but ...... he is not ready for commitment , so we just ended things, stopped talking , of course i got heart broken , so did he , we both were depressed for weeks , then he just showed up again , tried talking like nothing happened , i didn't know what he was trying to do , right now , i couldn't keep my mouth shut and just slip in this again , i just said what was in my heart for him , and didn't get any answer yet .
so .. when i decided to stop being on the edge stop protecting myself from my own feelings and issues and just dig deep into them , i just got there into the library then i opened the book i brought with me , with the huge pain inside my heart, i tried to write the reasons why i shouldn't text him right then and ask him where is my answer , was i too late , my reasons didn't convenes me , the worst one that he would say some horrible things to me , so what !! i didn't want to pressure him i didn't want to bother him. all these reasons were lame to me , then i just grabbed my phone and wrote the text and just sent it..... my heart dropped right then , then no answer still, as the hours went by the pain kept on growing , i just dropped a tear , then another one , then another one , then i found myself on the floor laying down crying my heart out , thinking of death, in different ways actually, i could strangle myself , or just slice my wrist or just through myself from the window , then i just thought , no the my demons won't get me this time , just kept asking God this one question , WHY ?? why alot of things actually . why is it a must to taste the pain to taste the joy , why do you have to be extremely tormented by almost everything in order to get your dreams come true ... why do i love him that much if he hurt me that bad .. why can't i just forget him and move on .. why do i want this because it hurted me so bad like that .. and the more not easy something is the more we want it . WHY GOD ?? just lay there with my head facing the Ceiling .. looking to it and i just had this vesion of God having the laugh of his life .. at me.. because it will be amazing and i'm just being stupid and crying .. silly me ... then maybe God never laugh .. just knows of course that it will get better..
my stop sign to crying is when my ears start to hurt .. and my nose just blocks all air , i just feel this is going no where , i hugged myself to stop crying , and i did , just said to myself .. no more .. tried listening to God this time , really listen , "be patient" , that's what God whispered to me then , i just .. came back here , on the edge , to see everything but never get involved in anything , never say how i truly feel , never open up, on the edge of life , witnessing everything .. accomplish nothing , maybe it will get better , maybe it will be different .. who knows ...
Him .. is someone i met three or four years ago , just as a friend , i was involved with someone else , but we got to know each other though , then my past relationship didn't work out , it ended dramatically, then the "he" was there, i found it more okie to talk longer to him and open up more after i became single , so did he , then i fell for him , kept asking him if he feels the same , he kept denying , but didn't want to end the friendship , so did i , his actions , his eyes , his words , everything said that he loved me more than i could ever imagin , but he kept denying , till i've had it with all the Contradiction , then he told me finally that he loved all along but ...... he is not ready for commitment , so we just ended things, stopped talking , of course i got heart broken , so did he , we both were depressed for weeks , then he just showed up again , tried talking like nothing happened , i didn't know what he was trying to do , right now , i couldn't keep my mouth shut and just slip in this again , i just said what was in my heart for him , and didn't get any answer yet .
so .. when i decided to stop being on the edge stop protecting myself from my own feelings and issues and just dig deep into them , i just got there into the library then i opened the book i brought with me , with the huge pain inside my heart, i tried to write the reasons why i shouldn't text him right then and ask him where is my answer , was i too late , my reasons didn't convenes me , the worst one that he would say some horrible things to me , so what !! i didn't want to pressure him i didn't want to bother him. all these reasons were lame to me , then i just grabbed my phone and wrote the text and just sent it..... my heart dropped right then , then no answer still, as the hours went by the pain kept on growing , i just dropped a tear , then another one , then another one , then i found myself on the floor laying down crying my heart out , thinking of death, in different ways actually, i could strangle myself , or just slice my wrist or just through myself from the window , then i just thought , no the my demons won't get me this time , just kept asking God this one question , WHY ?? why alot of things actually . why is it a must to taste the pain to taste the joy , why do you have to be extremely tormented by almost everything in order to get your dreams come true ... why do i love him that much if he hurt me that bad .. why can't i just forget him and move on .. why do i want this because it hurted me so bad like that .. and the more not easy something is the more we want it . WHY GOD ?? just lay there with my head facing the Ceiling .. looking to it and i just had this vesion of God having the laugh of his life .. at me.. because it will be amazing and i'm just being stupid and crying .. silly me ... then maybe God never laugh .. just knows of course that it will get better..
my stop sign to crying is when my ears start to hurt .. and my nose just blocks all air , i just feel this is going no where , i hugged myself to stop crying , and i did , just said to myself .. no more .. tried listening to God this time , really listen , "be patient" , that's what God whispered to me then , i just .. came back here , on the edge , to see everything but never get involved in anything , never say how i truly feel , never open up, on the edge of life , witnessing everything .. accomplish nothing , maybe it will get better , maybe it will be different .. who knows ...
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